


Little Blessings

by CrazyButterLoverSky



Category: Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Emotional/Psychological Abuse, Hurt Ryan Bergara, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, M/M, POV Ryan Bergara, trans!Ryan Bergara
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-02-24
Updated: 2019-02-24
Packaged: 2019-11-04 17:08:18
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,561
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17902127
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrazyButterLoverSky/pseuds/CrazyButterLoverSky
Summary: Ryan is having a bad week, but maybe Shane can help him out some.





	Little Blessings

Ryan sat at his desk, praying to every god he could think of that people couldn't smell his blood.

 

And no, he wasn't dying. He was on his period, and that was worse, in his mind. He was cramping and sweaty and wanted to go home. But no, he had a job to do. And no amount of bleeding was going to stop him.

 

He could feel a migraine come into focus, and he just has to sigh at how the day was going. It had just been a series of accidents and bad luck. All of which lead to a very tired, sore, and lightly burned Ryan Bergara. His hand twinged at the reminder of him spilling very hot coffee on it earlier. He sighed, and tried to get back to work.

 

Which almost worked, except Shane walked in, and grinned widely. Ryan almost died because of course his best friend is here, and now Ryan was going to have to work harder at being nice. While he was sick. And on his period.

 

Man, he hated being trans, and he knew that no one knew but it still sucked.

 

“Hey man, you okay? You seem a bit out of it.” Shane asked, and now Ryan remembered that he forgot to smile back at him. He just nodded, suddenly incredibly tired, and grabbed his coffee and got back to work. He pointedly ignored Shane's worried stares, and he knew that Shane was overthinking but he didn't know why so he just kept on working and hoping for the best.

 

He prayed that Shane would drop it, but he clearly didn't, because by lunch his coworkers stopped talking to him completely, and he knew it was at least partially Shane's fault because he caught him telling some coworkers that “Ryan isn't doing the best, he just needs some rest, please leave him alone.”

 

Man, Ryan hated this part of the month.

 

And the worst part is that he knew that people were getting suspicious. At this point, he was planning a backup career far from LA in case word got out.

 

Now, logically, he knew that they wouldn't be mad at him for being trans, but rather because he kept it hidden for almost 4 and a half years and hadn't told anyone, and hadn't even hinted at it.

 

And he knew, just knew, that he would lose his closest relationship forever. He would no longer be friends with Shane, and that hurt more than keeping himself hidden did.

 

So he kept hidden, and now he was going home, angry and bitter, because he knew that Shane had had enough. The looks sent his way all day as he stayed either at or near his desk. The stares from everyone in the office that he could feel, prickling along his skin, and he could almost scream.

 

Damn it all. Just damn it all. And as he went to his car, fuming silently, he knew that Shane was going to ask.

 

Ryan just couldn't figure out how that conversation would go.

 

“Oh hey, yeah I'm trans, might as well let you know I'm bi too.” Man, at this point Ryan felt like just admitting his crush on Shane was much more than a crush, and make sure that there was no chance in hell that Shane would never talk to him. Ever.

 

Ryan huffed and started his car, beyond frustrated.

 

He almost drove away, but he saw Shane approach his car, and groaned. He did _not_ want to talk right then, and had half a mind to drive away, but then Shane was knocking at his car window.

 

He lowered it, and heard Shane. “Hey, mind if I catch a lift with you?” He asked, and dammit he could never say no to him, so he grunted and pointed beside himself with his thumb. Shane on the other hand grinned like he had just won the jackpot, and was quickly buckling himself in. Ryan shifted gears and pulled out, Shane asking about a sleepover. Ryan nodded, and Shane cheered, and he couldn't help but smile.

 

The rest of the trip was made in relative silence, and Ryan could feel the ever-present anxiety grow as he drove. Shane was staring out the window, occasionally making small comments. Usually things Ryan couldn't hear, so he kept driving and tried to ignore the muttering man beside him.

 

They arrived soon after that, and Ryan had a very strange feeling. As he looked up at his apartment, he could feel the anxiety grow, but he also felt warm, because he loved hanging out with the man next to him. The anxiety swept it away with a single thought, however.

 

_You'll never see him again._

 

He gulped, and stepped out of the car, locking it after Shane closes his door. He stays looking down, and makes his way to his apartment.

 

As soon as he closes the door behind him, he could feel Shane's stare, clearly asking what was wrong. He instead asked, “Hey, you want some coffee?” _It's going to be a long night_ remains unsaid. Shane frowns, but nods, and moves to the living room. Ryan almost sighs, but he also almost cries, so he does neither and makes the coffee.

 

As he made it, he could feel himself spiral out of sanity, and straight into anxietyville.

 

He sighs and carries out the steaming cups, placing them on the small table. Ryan sits opposite to Shane, which hurts, but Ryan doesn't feel like getting close so he decides that he's fine.

 

“Okay Ryan, what the hell.” Shane speaks, and Ryan flinches and looks away, his hands fiddling and pushing his hair out of his face, and even though he knows Shane will see right through him, he gets out, “What? Oh, nothing, it's fine, just something I've gotta get through, you know how it is.” He laughs nervously, his hands pushing down his shirt, fixing his hair, picking at his nails, and he starts to curl up into a ball.

 

And then Shane glares at him, and Ryan could feel his throat close up as he curled a little into himself.   
  
“Do you really expect me to believe that.” He says flatly, and Ryan kisses his friendship and partner goodbye forever. In his mind. Of course. He shakes his head slowly.

 

“Then why did you say it.” His voice is cold, and the coffee is untouched, and Ryan can't stop shaking. It's small, only minor tremors, but his voice shakes as he says, “Because it's true..?” He winces at Shane's face, angry and hurt and worried, and Ryan, well Ryan can't handle that. He curls up tighter around himself, now hiding his face in his arms, which are balancing on his knees. He blinks away his tears as Shane gets up, and flinches at every heavy footstep. Shane stays silent, and Ryan doesn't know what to say, but all he wants is to disappear. To vanish like one of those mystery cases he sometimes sees while doing research. The ones people don't care about, and it hurts his heart but he can't handle this and he'd prefer disappearing to anything else that could happen, so that's what he wishes for.

 

He sees for the cases of people with no loved ones and no evidence, and his heart grows heavy as the thoughts flit around his head. But he can't stop wishing, so he focuses on other things.

 

Now the wishes are coming back, and stronger than ever, and all he wants to do is disappear without anyone looking for him. Just like what happened when he ran from home all those years ago, tired of abuse and hate. And now it's happening again, and he is already making plans in his head until Shane speaks.

 

“Ryan...” He stops, sighs, and walks closer to Ryan, stopping right near him.

 

Ryan refuses to look up.

 

“Okay, I know- I-” He makes a small noise of frustration. “Dammit.” Shane sighs, and gets closer. “Ryan, I'm- I'm worried about you.” Ryan curls around himself tighter, and the tears start falling.

 

“Ryan.” Ryan thinks that Shane meant to be firm, but it comes out pleading.

 

Ryan could never say no to Shane.

 

He looks up, and Shane looks close to tears which doesn't make sense but Ryan is just panicking and that's all he can see, is the almost-tears in his best friends eyes. He lets out a shuddering breath, and damn it now is not the time to worry about-

 

Shane's eyes widen, and he very faintly whispers, “Blood..?” And Ryan knows he's fucked, he's lost Shane, so he laughs and stands up, grabbing Shane by the arm to his door. “So uh, yeah thanks for coming over haha yeah bye!” He closes and locks the door behind Shane, and leans against it. He slowly slides down as he prepares to leave mentally. He knows that it will only take a few days to pack up at the most, but he's grown too attached and now it hurts to think of leaving it behind.

 

Now he's glad that Shane had never seen him naked, because he doesn't know how he would react. (Probably with horror.) He heaves a sigh, and leaves the door.

 

He wanders into the bathroom, and stares at himself in the mirror. He knows why Shane was worried, this is the worst he's looked in years. Then again, this is the worst period he's ever had, so it's understandable, but Ryan still feels stupid for not being able to cover it up well.

 

He sighs, and strips, not hearing Shane until he's right at the door.

 

“Hey, Ryan, buddy?” He hears, and everything seems to slow down to a halt. He stares at the door in horror as Shane says, “Ryan? Look dude, I'm gonna open the door, okay?”

 

Ryan only gets out a single, “Wait-!” before he falls to the ground on his pants. He groans and hears the door open and there's silence as Ryan _knows_ Shane is staring. He doesn't look up as he says, “Please, just, leave.”

 

The door swings shut almost silently, and that is when Ryan starts to cry.

 

\---

 

Ryan leaves his room to smell something kind of like... Chipotle? He wipes his eyes as he wanders out, and sees Shane, standing in his living room, pacing. It doesn't take long for Shane to notice him, but when he does he smiles. One of his favorite smiles, a big one that is completely genuine. He stares as Shane speaks.

 

“So, uh, sorry for walking in like that,” Ryan winces, “But I noticed that you didn't really eat much today. So I kinda figured that we could eat and talk about things?” Shane sounded hopeful and sad and scared and he hated it, so he looked away to try and avoid the feelings trying to shred him to pieces. He said, “Why didn't you leave?” and he swears that he can feel the flinch that comes from the older man.

 

“Oh, well, I did, and thought some things over, and thought you might appreciate some good food!” Now Shane is nervous, and Ryan is seemingly calm.

 

Oh, how he hates this.

 

He moves and sits down at his usual spot, and stares at Shane. Shane tenses, and then relaxes, moving forward to sit in his usual spot.

 

Dinner is quiet, and Ryan is starting to become both more and less bitter. Less bitter at Shane, and more so at himself.

 

He barely touches his food, which tastes bland to him at the moment.

 

And then Shane started talking.

 

He swallowed his food, and Ryan is very pointedly not looking at him directly, and Shane simply asks, “Why didn't you tell me?”

 

This causes Ryan to flinch, and he looks down at his unappetizing dinner, and figures why not? The worst thing that could happen at this point is Shane hating him, and he's fairly sure he already does, so he might as well tell Shane.

 

“I was... scared.” Shane stares at him, but he smiles at his food. “At first, I didn't know how you'd react. Then by the time I had started to grow confident enough, it was too late.” He shrugs helplessly. “I didn't know what would happen to me, because everything about what we do makes me beyond happy, and I didn't want to lose that. So I hid.”

 

Shane was still staring, and Ryan couldn't bring himself to not see why he was staring, so he looked up and-

 

Oh. Oh no.

 

Shane looked confused, and hurt, and sad, and all Ryan wanted to do was to reach out and hold him, but Ryan couldn't, so he stayed where he was, and then it happened.

 

Shane wiped at his face, and Ryan saw the tear fall, and now he felt even worse than he did earlier.

 

Because he made his best friend cry.

 

He almost starts to apologize, but then Shane speaks.

 

“Whoever made you think that you had to hide was a fool.” He spits out, and Ryan is confused and Shane seems to still be crying cause he's still wiping. But then he laughs, and Ryan is terrified in an instant because _he's never seen Shane laugh like that before._ He gulps and stays still, until Shane clarifies.

 

“Who ever made you think that you were best hiding was a monster and a fool.”

 

Ryan suddenly felt a slap from his mother, felt hurdled insults from his brother, and felt betrayal from his father. A mother's anger and a brother's hatred and a father's doubt. He doesn't breathe as he remembers who exactly turned him into the coward of a man he is today, and he can still hear his mother's voice.

 

“Oh, don't mind her, she's delusional.”

 

“You retarded bitch!”

 

And finally, “You know I love you, right?”

 

He breathes out, and he whispers, “I think I'm the only fool here.”

 

Shane looks worried, and half ready to jump out of his chair. He almost does when Ryan stands up with a simple, “I'm going to bed.”

 

Shane doesn't stop him, but Ryan can feel him watching his every step as he makes his way to his bedroom.

 

He barely enters the room before the tears start to fall, and closes the door before he sobs.

 

He stumbles to his bed, and curls into a ball.

 

He remembers his mom's final words to him.

 

And he remembers that he is the monster here.

 

\---

 

Shane slept on the floor. Outside Ryan's room.

 

He quickly steps over him, and closes the door. He turns and makes his way to the bathroom.

 

When he leaves the bathroom, he hears Shane hang up. He stumbles to the living area, and sits on the couch, raising an eyebrow at Shane.

 

Shane looks exhausted, and Ryan's about to ask if he should be calling in sick, when Shane says, “Called work. We have at least the next two days off.” Ryan blinks in surprise, but Shane isn't done. “And we need to talk.” Ryan freezes, again, and Shane sits beside him.

 

“Ryan, I heard you talking to yourself last night-” Ryan gulps because if he's correct he might have ruined everything. “ -and I'm trying to figure out why you're calling yourself a monster?”

 

Oops.

 

Ryan curls into himself, but decides that Shane probably doesn't want to hurt him, so he starts talking.

 

“Um,” He begins eloquently. “Well, you see, when I first came out as being,” He hates this, “well, trans, my family has been kinda rude about it?” He curls into himself and tries to explain. “Nothing major, usually just mean jokes about me, lots of screaming, lots of fights, you know how it is!” He laughed nervously, and could feel himself continue. “Well, except that one time, but it's not that big of a deal!” He feels like bashing his face into the coffee table.   
  
“What does that mean.” Shane asks, and Ryan is momentarily terrified, so he keeps talking, pulling at his hair.

 

“Ah, well,” How does he get out of this? “The jokes were pretty tame, there was the cow one and a few others. Um, my brother was just being a brother, my dad never helped me, even if my mom was being unreasonable.” And of course, because he has to explain everything, “I mean, the worst thing that's happened was I got slapped, so that's not so bad!”

 

Fuck.

 

He couldn't tell why Shane was silent until he turned to him.

 

And he looked ready to murder.

 

Ryan stared at his fists and started talking more. “And yeah, it was kinda annoying being called a girl constantly,” why was he saying this, “but I got used to it after a while,” why was Shane acting so weird? “and it's really not that big of a deal, it's not even the worst thing that happened!” He laughs nervously, but if Shane was ready for murder before, now Ryan could almost see the blood. He starts panicking slightly, so he talks some more!

 

“I mean, being compared to a cow who just happens to decide that it didn't want to be a cow anymore was pretty surprising, I won't deny that.” He laughs and looks away from Shane, looking anywhere but, actually. “But it wasn't that bad, honestly.” He shrugs, looking at the wall. “I mean, the treatment kinda sucked, but hey, at least they actually loved me.” He hears Shane breathing stutter (did he stop _breathing_ , oh god) and goes to look at him, when he is suddenly being pulled towards Shane.

 

“Ryan...” He hears, and feels his heart break a little. “Hey big guy, it's okay-” He says, before Shane squeezes him and softly asks, “Would you be upset if I got slapped?”

 

Ryan feels his heart stop, and before he can answer, Shane keeps talking. “Slapped and mistreated and hurt,” Ryan knows that Shane was talking to him, but he could only say, “No, hey, Shane, Shane _listen_.” Shane freezes, and Ryan wraps his arms around him. “I-” He swallows harshly, pulling Shane a bit closer.

 

“I'm a monster cause I hurt them.” Shane starts to talk, but then Ryan sobs and continues. “I hurt them, I hurt them so _badly_ , I just left and I can't, I won't, I-” He sobs again, and he knows that Shane's shirt was probably going to have a soaked shoulder, but the taller man didn't seem to mind. “I'm a monster who hurt my family and few friends, and I'm a coward who ran off in the middle of the night with my tail between my legs, I _hurt_ them.” He tries to breathe, and remembers how last night he was planning on leaving, and now it was going to be even harder.

 

Yay.

 

But Shane grips his shirt, and then lets go, grabbing Ryan's shoulders and making him look his best friend in the eyes, even if he had to look up to see Shane's eyes properly, but then he's speaking and he sounds so hurt that it makes Ryan stop talking.

 

“Ryan, why can they hurt you and still be good people, but you escape and you are a monster?”

 

Ryan feels his breath stutter, before Shane continues.

 

“They hurt you Ryan, they hurt you so damn bad, and all you can think about is how you hurt them a little by escaping.” Shane laughs, and he's crying, and Ryan's crying, and then Ryan just feels an urge, stronger than any he's had before about anyone, and he can barely stop himself from kissing his best friend, but his eyes flicker to his lips, and Shane's eyes widen. He tried to convince himself to leave, but then he felt something touching his cheeks, and he opens his eyes in time to see Shane swoop in and kiss him.

 

He feels like he's exploding, but Shane is pulling away, and Ryan doesn't want Shane to leave, and this awkward noise escapes, it almost sounds like a whine but he doesn't whine because he was raised with a beating for whining, but then Shane is staring at him and Ryan opens his eyes to see Shane looking at him strangely.

 

He panics for a good three seconds before realizing the look is of something pleasant, and Ryan tries to smile but he knows the friendship is ruined, but then Shane is putting his palm against Ryan's cheek, and he stutters, before a small request escapes.

 

“Please.” He whispers, and then Shane looks like a kicked puppy until Ryan lightly grabs Shane's face and whispers again, and suddenly they are kissing softly, slowly, and it's everything that Ryan wants, everything he needs, and his hands are roaming Shane's body, running up and down his arms as he begins kissing places that are not his lips, and a soft sigh escapes as Shane kisses his neck, and he can feel Shane's smile.

 

Later, they curl up on Ryan's bed, cuddling. Ryan has a hot water bottle on his gut to sooth the cramps, and Shane is fiddling with his hair.

 

Then Shane says something unexpected.

 

“I don't want to lose you.”

 

Ryan laughs silently and pulls down one of Shane's hands to kiss his knuckles. “And you won't.”

 

That's the last thing he says before he falls asleep.

 

**Author's Note:**

> please give me prompts!! @crazy-yet-writing on tumblr!!!


End file.
